About Me

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I'm not quite who I used to be, but who I was has helped me become who I am. Now I am who I am. Who I was and who I am will in part determine who I become, but I'm not quite there yet.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

This is NOT how it was supposed to be!

Hello Darling!  ;-) Happy anniversary!  Not that you can help, but I want my life back, not necessarily the way it was, but the way it was supposed to be.  Even before it turned upside down it wasn't perfect, but at least I was happy being with you, my best friend, my soul mate.  I'm grateful for so many things in my life right now, but I miss you.  Oh how I miss you.  I miss our life together.  The early morning walks on the beach and jogs in the park, the weekend cookouts, playing the part of the military wife, the inside jokes, blockbuster, the dictionary :-)  We were supposed to be a family together forever.  You would be retired from the military now and I would be out of medical school and running my own practice.  We had everything planned out.   You dying was not part of that plan.   This is NOT how it was supposed to be!

I have so many emotions to deal with, questions with no answers, anger, heartache, guilt, bitterness, what if, why, if only.  Why did I have to leave, I could have stayed; Why didn't you just come with me?  If only I'd of been there.  I just wish it would all go away and you would be back.  I cry myself to sleep wishing I would wake up and it just be a nightmare.  I'm still in denial thinking that one day I'll answer the phone and someone from the hospital will say you just woke up; or I'll look out the window and your car will be there.  I still have "the shirt" and I wear it when I miss you; sometimes I even sleep with it.  The angel you gave me is beside my bed so I can look at it as I go to sleep.  The kangaroo I gave you is on your side.  I pick it up and think of you often.  I miss you so much.  I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.  If I'd of been there things would probably be a lot different now.

I know I need to let go because you're never coming back.  I said I would love you for the rest of your life and I was thinking that would be a very long time.  Your life here has ended but my love for you lingers on.  I need some sort of closure so that I can move on with the rest of my life.  I need to eliminate the why's and if only's and just accept that even though it's not the way it was supposed to be, this is the way it is.  I'm ready to meet someone else and start a new life but in order to do that, I have to let you go. You will always have a very special place in my heart and PC will always be ours.  Happy anniversary, Darling, but hopefully by this time next year, I won't miss you so much.  

Sunday, November 13, 2011


I know it's not even Thanksgiving yet but I'm already excited about Christmas.  Six weeks until Christmas Day!  Two more weeks and the Christmas traditions I've come to love officially begin at our house.   I'm looking forward to the whole season more than I ever have.  I already put my lights up this week (because I don't want to wait until it's cold outside? Maybe) although I am resisting the urge to turn them on until after Thanksgiving.

Why am I more excited this year?  I don't know, maybe it's because I already went to Biltmore to see the tree arrive, which was fabulous; or maybe it's because I already have most of my shopping done; a very easy task considering I'm keeping the quantity of gifts and the amount spent uncharacteristically minimal; Even to the point of making a dollhouse instead of buying one.  This isn't about the money though, it's about sacrificing my time for someone I love to give her the one and only thing she mentioned when I asked, "What do you want for Christmas this year?"  Although it would be easier to just go pick one out, and the hours I'm putting into it far exceed the amount it would cost to buy one, but this one will be personal, one of a kind, (and quite lovely if I do say so myself) and hopefully have a lot more meaning, thus get played with more than one from a box.

I'm not sure what it is that makes this year different, but it definitely is.  This year everything about the Christmas season seems more personal and meaningful.  I'm so excited I can't hardly wait to turn the calendar over to December and start counting down the days to the big 25.  Maybe it's that my relationship with Christ is much deeper than in years past.  I've always, well, at least in my adult life, known the true meaning of Christmas and had the utmost respect for religious traditions.  My daughter knows that the Santa's she sees are simply men dressed in beautiful costume and will not be coming into our home while we sleep, leaving presents, eating our cookies, and flying away led by tiny reindeer.  She knows that we celebrate Christmas because Jesus came from heaven, to earth, for us.  We both celebrate Christmas, as Christians knowing that Jesus made sacrifices in order to give us a better life - eternal life in heaven.  In the spirit of Christmas, and in honor of Christ, what do we sacrifice in order to give others a better life?  This is what I'm praying about during the Christmas season this year.  What does Christ want me to sacrifice in order to demonstrate His sacrifice for us?  If He can leave the luxury of being at the Father's side in heaven to be born alongside farm animals, live for 33 years being hated and mocked, eventually being crucified so that I could have eternal life with Him, what minute act could I possibly do for someone else that will honor His sacrifice?  Honestly, right now, I don't know, but I trust that He will show me and I pray that I'll have the courage to do it.

Will you pray for God to show you how you can make a sacrifice in honor of Him?  There are millions of people, from remote countries to our own neighborhoods and families who have no idea what Christmas is really about because they don't know Christ.  For a long time I was one of them.  Not only did God save my sinful soul, He has blessed me far more than I could ever imagine.  I imagine you can say the same?  The absolute least I can do for Him is honor His birth and life by loving others in His name.  In whatever manner He chooses for me to do that, I shall do it!  I pray that you will too.

I hope everyone who reads this has a beautiful and blessed Christmas season.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Why Do Christians Celebrate Halloween?

 Oh yeah, that's right, we don't! As Christians we don't celebrate this holiday; we participate in the Halloween alternative, some sort of festival or "trunk or treat" at church.  Why is it that we think we need an alternative?  Why do we as Christian individuals and especially as churches support the sales of Halloween paraphernalia?  Halloween has become the second largest holiday, just behind Christmas.  Retail companies have come to love this holiday as more and more people support the sales of candy, costumes, and decorations.  The churches have hugely contributed to this with the Christian alternative of "trunk or treating" asking people to bring candy, and more candy, and we still need candy.  What does that say to the unbelieving world when the  church is one of the biggest supporters of Halloween sales?

Now I'm all for Fall Festivals and Harvest Parties anytime between September and November, but not as an alternative to Halloween.  I don't need something to participate in just because other people are celebrating something I don't believe in.   Although I've participated in these activities as a child and as a parent, this year is different.  This year I have been convicted and cannot in good conscience participate.  On October 31 I'll be at home, but I won't be passing out candy or even tracts to those trick-or-treating.  Instead I'll be spending the evening in prayer.  I'll be praying for those people who literally celebrate because they are well-aware of what Halloween really is.  I'll also be praying that next year and for years to come that more and more people, especially church leaders across the nation will be convicted, as I have been, that Halloween is not a time for celebration, but a time for prayer.

I am well aware that I'm in the minority here.  I know that my own church is having a festival on Halloween weekend and if that festival keeps someone out of trouble or leads them to Christ that's awesome.  I also know that God is certainly capable of keeping that person out of trouble and revealing His truth to them through numerous other sources.  That same person would probably come to a fall festival and hear the Gospel regardless of the date.  So, why not have a Harvest or Thanksgiving Festival in November?  In fact, I'm guessing more people would come out for that than a Halloween celebration anyway.  Same activities, except the trunk or treat - and seriously does anyone really need more candy?!!

What if Christians stopped buying candy, costumes, and decorations for their alternatives?  What if Halloween became the least celebrated holiday?   What if churches stopped "trunk-or-treating" and had prayer vigils instead?  What would that say to the non-believing world?  Hmmm - I wonder.  I say we try it!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Keeping it Real

Are you a Christian? How? Because you said a prayer, you asked God to forgive you and come into your life? Are you a Christian because you got baptized and joined a church? If you took a shower, rubbed some wax on your body, sprayed armour-all on your shoes, and stood in a garage, would that make you a car? You might resemble one, but no, that would not make you a car. Resembling a Christian doesn't make you a Christian. A Christian has prayed the salvation prayer and been baptized and joined a church, but it doesn't end there. A real Christian not only believes in Christ, but behaves like Christ. A real Christian exhibits the characteristics and spirit of Christ. In order be like Christ, it's imperative to know Christ. When you meet someone new, how do you get to know them? You spend time with them and have conversations with them. How do you get to know Christ? You spend time with Him and have conversations with Him. Talk to Him through prayer, listen to Him through quite time alone with Him and through His Scriptures. Listen in church. God uses pastors and teachers to speak to us. Listen to them! Go to church with the expectation of communicating with God. A real Christian knows Christ, communicates with Christ, and has a continuing relationship with Christ. Are you a real Christian? Just keeping it real!

Friday, April 15, 2011

What do eggs have to do with Easter?

Eggs represent new life. When Christ arose from His death, He began a new life. When we accept the gift of eternal life in Christ and vow to live for Him, we begin a new life as well.

Decorating eggs represents our creation. As we take an egg out of the carton, it's fragile and easily cracked. We boil it in hot water for nine minutes to strengthen it's form. We dye, paint, color, wrap in plastic covers, etc to make it as pretty and unique as we desire. When God first forms a baby in the womb, she's fragile and easily broken. We nurture her in the womb for nine months to strengthen her form. During this time, God decorates her with facial features, personality traits, and physical characteristics to make her as pretty and unique as He desires. 
Jesus died on the cross to give us new life.  We dye eggs to represent the new life we have through Christ.

Filling plastic eggs with treats represents happy moments in life. As we live out the life God has planned for us, we find the little joys He has in store for us along the way. Occasionally we may find a lemon drop or licorice jelly bean, after all the evil one still tries to get his way. I just throw those in the trash and rest assured that more chocolate is yet to come!  No offense intented if you like lemon drops or licorice.

Egg hunts represent our relationship with God. Sometimes when we do things we shouldn't do, we feel embarrassed or ashamed and we tend to hide from God or avoid Him. Often times we even refrain from fellowship with other Christians and go off into the dark corners of the world. However, God loves us so much that He wants to keep us close. When we hide from Him, He will find us and put us back in fellowship with our fellow Christians (the other eggs in the basket!) Although our sin-debt was paid by Christ on the cross, we still must ask forgiveness when we do wrong. If the eggs we've hidden outside remain hidden for too long, the inside of the egg may begin to sweat from the hot sun, the treats inside will melt and ruin and it may even get rained on and become dirty. The longer we hide from God, the more our hearts are affected by the harsh elements of the world. The sooner we come back and come clean with God, the sooner we can enjoy the good life He has in store for us, like all the little chocolate moments!

As for the rabbit and bunny, I have no clue as to how these relate to Easter. If you have an idea, I'd love to hear it.

Happy Easter!