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I'm not quite who I used to be, but who I was has helped me become who I am. Now I am who I am. Who I was and who I am will in part determine who I become, but I'm not quite there yet.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

This is NOT how it was supposed to be!

Hello Darling!  ;-) Happy anniversary!  Not that you can help, but I want my life back, not necessarily the way it was, but the way it was supposed to be.  Even before it turned upside down it wasn't perfect, but at least I was happy being with you, my best friend, my soul mate.  I'm grateful for so many things in my life right now, but I miss you.  Oh how I miss you.  I miss our life together.  The early morning walks on the beach and jogs in the park, the weekend cookouts, playing the part of the military wife, the inside jokes, blockbuster, the dictionary :-)  We were supposed to be a family together forever.  You would be retired from the military now and I would be out of medical school and running my own practice.  We had everything planned out.   You dying was not part of that plan.   This is NOT how it was supposed to be!

I have so many emotions to deal with, questions with no answers, anger, heartache, guilt, bitterness, what if, why, if only.  Why did I have to leave, I could have stayed; Why didn't you just come with me?  If only I'd of been there.  I just wish it would all go away and you would be back.  I cry myself to sleep wishing I would wake up and it just be a nightmare.  I'm still in denial thinking that one day I'll answer the phone and someone from the hospital will say you just woke up; or I'll look out the window and your car will be there.  I still have "the shirt" and I wear it when I miss you; sometimes I even sleep with it.  The angel you gave me is beside my bed so I can look at it as I go to sleep.  The kangaroo I gave you is on your side.  I pick it up and think of you often.  I miss you so much.  I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.  If I'd of been there things would probably be a lot different now.

I know I need to let go because you're never coming back.  I said I would love you for the rest of your life and I was thinking that would be a very long time.  Your life here has ended but my love for you lingers on.  I need some sort of closure so that I can move on with the rest of my life.  I need to eliminate the why's and if only's and just accept that even though it's not the way it was supposed to be, this is the way it is.  I'm ready to meet someone else and start a new life but in order to do that, I have to let you go. You will always have a very special place in my heart and PC will always be ours.  Happy anniversary, Darling, but hopefully by this time next year, I won't miss you so much.  

Sunday, November 13, 2011


I know it's not even Thanksgiving yet but I'm already excited about Christmas.  Six weeks until Christmas Day!  Two more weeks and the Christmas traditions I've come to love officially begin at our house.   I'm looking forward to the whole season more than I ever have.  I already put my lights up this week (because I don't want to wait until it's cold outside? Maybe) although I am resisting the urge to turn them on until after Thanksgiving.

Why am I more excited this year?  I don't know, maybe it's because I already went to Biltmore to see the tree arrive, which was fabulous; or maybe it's because I already have most of my shopping done; a very easy task considering I'm keeping the quantity of gifts and the amount spent uncharacteristically minimal; Even to the point of making a dollhouse instead of buying one.  This isn't about the money though, it's about sacrificing my time for someone I love to give her the one and only thing she mentioned when I asked, "What do you want for Christmas this year?"  Although it would be easier to just go pick one out, and the hours I'm putting into it far exceed the amount it would cost to buy one, but this one will be personal, one of a kind, (and quite lovely if I do say so myself) and hopefully have a lot more meaning, thus get played with more than one from a box.

I'm not sure what it is that makes this year different, but it definitely is.  This year everything about the Christmas season seems more personal and meaningful.  I'm so excited I can't hardly wait to turn the calendar over to December and start counting down the days to the big 25.  Maybe it's that my relationship with Christ is much deeper than in years past.  I've always, well, at least in my adult life, known the true meaning of Christmas and had the utmost respect for religious traditions.  My daughter knows that the Santa's she sees are simply men dressed in beautiful costume and will not be coming into our home while we sleep, leaving presents, eating our cookies, and flying away led by tiny reindeer.  She knows that we celebrate Christmas because Jesus came from heaven, to earth, for us.  We both celebrate Christmas, as Christians knowing that Jesus made sacrifices in order to give us a better life - eternal life in heaven.  In the spirit of Christmas, and in honor of Christ, what do we sacrifice in order to give others a better life?  This is what I'm praying about during the Christmas season this year.  What does Christ want me to sacrifice in order to demonstrate His sacrifice for us?  If He can leave the luxury of being at the Father's side in heaven to be born alongside farm animals, live for 33 years being hated and mocked, eventually being crucified so that I could have eternal life with Him, what minute act could I possibly do for someone else that will honor His sacrifice?  Honestly, right now, I don't know, but I trust that He will show me and I pray that I'll have the courage to do it.

Will you pray for God to show you how you can make a sacrifice in honor of Him?  There are millions of people, from remote countries to our own neighborhoods and families who have no idea what Christmas is really about because they don't know Christ.  For a long time I was one of them.  Not only did God save my sinful soul, He has blessed me far more than I could ever imagine.  I imagine you can say the same?  The absolute least I can do for Him is honor His birth and life by loving others in His name.  In whatever manner He chooses for me to do that, I shall do it!  I pray that you will too.

I hope everyone who reads this has a beautiful and blessed Christmas season.