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I'm not quite who I used to be, but who I was has helped me become who I am. Now I am who I am. Who I was and who I am will in part determine who I become, but I'm not quite there yet.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

This is NOT how it was supposed to be!

Hello Darling!  ;-) Happy anniversary!  Not that you can help, but I want my life back, not necessarily the way it was, but the way it was supposed to be.  Even before it turned upside down it wasn't perfect, but at least I was happy being with you, my best friend, my soul mate.  I'm grateful for so many things in my life right now, but I miss you.  Oh how I miss you.  I miss our life together.  The early morning walks on the beach and jogs in the park, the weekend cookouts, playing the part of the military wife, the inside jokes, blockbuster, the dictionary :-)  We were supposed to be a family together forever.  You would be retired from the military now and I would be out of medical school and running my own practice.  We had everything planned out.   You dying was not part of that plan.   This is NOT how it was supposed to be!

I have so many emotions to deal with, questions with no answers, anger, heartache, guilt, bitterness, what if, why, if only.  Why did I have to leave, I could have stayed; Why didn't you just come with me?  If only I'd of been there.  I just wish it would all go away and you would be back.  I cry myself to sleep wishing I would wake up and it just be a nightmare.  I'm still in denial thinking that one day I'll answer the phone and someone from the hospital will say you just woke up; or I'll look out the window and your car will be there.  I still have "the shirt" and I wear it when I miss you; sometimes I even sleep with it.  The angel you gave me is beside my bed so I can look at it as I go to sleep.  The kangaroo I gave you is on your side.  I pick it up and think of you often.  I miss you so much.  I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.  If I'd of been there things would probably be a lot different now.

I know I need to let go because you're never coming back.  I said I would love you for the rest of your life and I was thinking that would be a very long time.  Your life here has ended but my love for you lingers on.  I need some sort of closure so that I can move on with the rest of my life.  I need to eliminate the why's and if only's and just accept that even though it's not the way it was supposed to be, this is the way it is.  I'm ready to meet someone else and start a new life but in order to do that, I have to let you go. You will always have a very special place in my heart and PC will always be ours.  Happy anniversary, Darling, but hopefully by this time next year, I won't miss you so much.  

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